Author Archives: Finding Myself

About Finding Myself

I am figuring out who I am and how to get what I want out of my life. I hope to use this blog to document my journey. Thanks for joining me and I look forward to any comments along the way.

July 17, 2013

Well let’s start with saying Happy 58th Birthday to Disneyland! Wow that is a long time yet not! Weird I know. Well last month I celebrated 10 years with the Walt Disney Company. I could sit here and say that I am surprised and that I did not intend to stay that long but that would be a lie. I am glad I am still there, though I do wish the pay was better. I have gotten through some difficult times there but have met some really special people. 

I have been spending more and more time pursuing my photography even going so far as to enter some well respected contests. So far my work hasn’t been selected but that is ok. I am also reaching out to a few professional photographers and asking for their help mentoring me. I think it is going well. I hope to keep up with this as I think it will help me to get better and more confident at the same time. I am going to try to focus on my health again as well since I have slacked off on that lately. Without my health I will have nothing so I need to stop making excuses and hold myself accountable and get to it! I know I can do this and I have received positive feedback so that is helpful. I just need to do what I want and not worry or wait for someone to invite me or include me. I need to find me, yep I’m still trying to find myself! Here are a few pictures to hold you over.ImageImageImageImageImage

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Day 91

Well clearly I haven’t done so well with my daily blog. For those that know me it is no surprise. However I think things are settling down a little bit and I am back at work now so hopefully I will be able to start this again. My final spring break is almost over and that means graduation is looming just over the horizon. I am excited yet not expecting much of a change since I am still really working on my confidence and belief in myself. I have more pictures to put up also. I am going to sign off for tonight but I will leave you with some new pictures. I hope you enjoy them!

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Day 9 January 9, 2012

Ok I am so disappointed in myself. I kept telling myself last night that I needed to write, but I made dinner, instead of eating out, and then watched tv with Garnet and by the time I remembered again it was after midnight. So here is what yesterday consisted of.

Today was Garnet’s first day back after the Christmas break and getting up was not easy but she did it and was not in a grumpy mood! I made her lunch, which I do actually enjoy doing for her and then she let me know when to go down to the car to wait for her. I go first because I do walk slower than her and this way we don’t have any arguments about how long it takes me to get to the car and I hate to be pushed.

Then I came home and went online until about 8:40 then went and took a nap until about 2. It was nice, and I probably could have stayed awake but since I will be going back to work soon I didn’t beat myself up about it too much. Then when I picked up Garnet we went to the post office, WalMart and Stater Bros. She fell asleep for a short nap (15 minutes) at 7:30 and then a little while later I made dinner, fajitas. Pretty good actually. Oh, I bought a new trash can at WalMart! One that actually fits the trash bags I buy.

So that is about it for today, here are a couple of pictures!

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Day 8 January 8, 2012

Well here it is 11:32 on Sunday night. I didn’t get much done today but I did edit two photos that I will be uploading. I have gotten some good feedback on Facebook that makes me feel really good. Today I went over to my workplace, The Disneyland Hotel, and a coworker showed me around so I could see the new stuff. I have been off of work since March of 2011 due to all of the stress and emotional stuff I have been dealing with with John. I have to admit all of the changes look really nice. I am looking forward to going back to an extent but at the same time I feel it will probably be the same old same old. Well I can’t worry about that too much, otherwise I will drive myself crazy and we all know that isn’t good! I also took Garnet over to my brother’s so Kenna could do her hair for her. We watched Jackass, it’s been awhile since I have seen that movie. Ok, well I am going to sign off for tonight. I will be back tomorrow! Thanks for reading!

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Day 7 January 7, 2012

Hello world. Ok so I didn’t make it to Malibu or the Santa Monica Pier yesterday. I did however go today and I got some really great pictures. I am playing with the editing of them right now but I needed to stop so I could get my blog written for the day. I didn’t want to miss a day, that would be disappointing. I am going to upload a couple of pictures both edited and unedited tonight. I took almost 400 pictures today! Like I said I really like them and am going to keep working on them! Who knows maybe I could win some kind of contests, or at least get them seen somewhere. Who knows right? I even saw some dolphins today! Ok here are the pictures!

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Day 6 January 6, 2012

Well yesterday wasn’t the best day of the year. It did get better as it went on though. I got some nice compliments on some of the photos I edited. I was going to come back on here last night and add a part 2 to yesterdays entry and put up some pictures but when I went to do that I noticed it was after midnight so I decided to wait until today and just write a new entry and add pictures. I am hungry so I am going to see if a yogurt smoothie satisfies me and if so for how long. I need to do something about my weight. I am not happy with it but I am extremely lazy and don’t want to do much and especially don’t want to do it alone. Part of what will make the smoothie difficult to be satisfying is the fact I like salty and unless this fills me pretty well I will end up eating something too. But maybe if I just have an english muffin that wouldn’t be too bad. I need to eat more than 1 time a day otherwise I will never lose weight.

I want to go somewhere and do something today but not sure what. I thought about going to LA to the Griffith Park Observatory or to Malibu for some nice photo opportunities but I know Garnet has plans tonight but no clue what time and I don’t want to be rushed. Well my brother is working this afternoon so going with him to see the Terra Cotta soldiers is out. I just don’t want to sit around the house. I think that if I start being more active then I will want to clean the house more too. Because then I will have enjoyed a nice day outside the house so I will want to come enjoy my house.

It is a good thing, in a way, that we didn’t have family therapy today like we were supposed to. Garnet didn’t get up and it was her chance to get to see John. She hasn’t seen him since October. I am disappointed that his therapist didn’t let me know that she wouldn’t be able to do the therapy session. I hope she is ok. I suspect she is sick and nobody thought to let us know. Staff members on John’s unit tried to get in touch with her but they couldn’t reach her either.

Ok, so I am going to upload some photos now and I will come back later for a part 2 saying what I ended up doing today!

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Day 5 January 5, 2012

Well today I woke up, way before I wanted to I might add, and am sick. I now have this cold full-blown. Oh well it will eventually go away! So next I check my email, nothing interesting then move on to Facebook. Now my daughter has been having trouble sleeping lately so she was up very late, like until 7am late. I see that she has edited more of her photos and put them up on Facebook. She is very talented and has an amazing eye when it comes to pretty much everything but especially things that are creative. Well there are all kinds of compliments on her photos even people asking for copies of prints so they can frame them and put them in their home. So I should be jumping for joy for her. While I am extremely happy for her I am equally jealous. You see I have to ask people to look at my pictures and I have to ask them what they think and all kinds of questions to really get much in the way of compliments on them. So, that being said my knee jerk 5-year-old way of dealing with this is to say I am done with trying my hand at photography. I want to find something that I am good at that people close to me aren’t so that maybe for once in my life I could get recognized for something. Oh well I guess it just isn’t meant to be. I am meant to be just a plain everyday nothing special about me average person.

It is amazing just how little it takes to bring me back down into the feeling sorry for myself and not caring anymore stage. I really don’t get the point of continuing to try. With my daughter it is effortless with her. Nobody really cares about me and what I think. Oh well whatever I am going to take some medicine and try to go back to sleep, probably won’t be able to but am going to try anyway.

Ok I had to come back and add to this that I am very happy, yes genuinely happy for my friends and family and everyone around me that has the things I hope to have. I just don’t understand what I am doing or not doing that is keeping me from having those things.

How do you, if you have low self-esteem push yourself to keep trying to be good at something when people you are close to are so much better at it and are recognized for it and the ideas just come to them effortlessly? This feeling of being invisible, I think, is why children act out, anything to get attention of some kind. So, today I have to work really hard to not pick a fight with my daughter because I am feeling bad about myself.

Maybe someday I will get compliments or praise without having to point out what I have done or without having to say what I have done isn’t very good, in other words without having to fish for compliments.

Ok back to bed now.

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Day 4 January 4, 2012

Hello there. So I am really late today and I am going to upload some pictures that I have edited. At least that is what I am going to try to do. So today I woke up knowing that my wonderful daughter has shared her head cold with me. Interesting the things kids share! My daughter and I met some friends for dinner and had a really good time. It is nice to be able to go out and spend time with people. I have a tendency to isolate myself, but I am working on doing that less. I am tired but I don’t really want to go to bed yet even though it is 11:07pm. Tomorrow I have to go drop of receipts for reimbursement and make phone calls. I really don’t enjoy making phone calls. I am not sure what kind of pictures I will do for tomorrow. Hopefully something will strike me as interesting and I will have my camera with me at the same time.

Ok time to try to upload the pictures!

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Day 3 January 3, 2012 Part 2!

Hello again. So a few hours after I wrote the first part the housing inspector came. I told her I thought we were going to reschedule but she said only in an emergency. Well of course I hadn’t finished getting the house ready, but in she came. It’s all good though, she was only here for about 3 minutes and the house passed! YAY!!!! So since I still have my Christmas tree up I decided to take a few pictures of it today. Enjoy!

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Day 3 January 3, 2012

Hello world. Well today will be spent mostly cleaning and getting my house ready for inspection. Maybe some photo editing along the way but I’m not sure yet about that. I will however be sure that I go outside somewhere and take some pictures of something, hopefully something interesting and I will post some of them here later. I am in the mood to clean/organize and that is rare for me! I am even going through stuff and throwing things away. That is even rarer. Guess I’d better get back to it before I lose my momentum! Be back later!

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