Day 5 January 5, 2012

Well today I woke up, way before I wanted to I might add, and am sick. I now have this cold full-blown. Oh well it will eventually go away! So next I check my email, nothing interesting then move on to Facebook. Now my daughter has been having trouble sleeping lately so she was up very late, like until 7am late. I see that she has edited more of her photos and put them up on Facebook. She is very talented and has an amazing eye when it comes to pretty much everything but especially things that are creative. Well there are all kinds of compliments on her photos even people asking for copies of prints so they can frame them and put them in their home. So I should be jumping for joy for her. While I am extremely happy for her I am equally jealous. You see I have to ask people to look at my pictures and I have to ask them what they think and all kinds of questions to really get much in the way of compliments on them. So, that being said my knee jerk 5-year-old way of dealing with this is to say I am done with trying my hand at photography. I want to find something that I am good at that people close to me aren’t so that maybe for once in my life I could get recognized for something. Oh well I guess it just isn’t meant to be. I am meant to be just a plain everyday nothing special about me average person.

It is amazing just how little it takes to bring me back down into the feeling sorry for myself and not caring anymore stage. I really don’t get the point of continuing to try. With my daughter it is effortless with her. Nobody really cares about me and what I think. Oh well whatever I am going to take some medicine and try to go back to sleep, probably won’t be able to but am going to try anyway.

Ok I had to come back and add to this that I am very happy, yes genuinely happy for my friends and family and everyone around me that has the things I hope to have. I just don’t understand what I am doing or not doing that is keeping me from having those things.

How do you, if you have low self-esteem push yourself to keep trying to be good at something when people you are close to are so much better at it and are recognized for it and the ideas just come to them effortlessly? This feeling of being invisible, I think, is why children act out, anything to get attention of some kind. So, today I have to work really hard to not pick a fight with my daughter because I am feeling bad about myself.

Maybe someday I will get compliments or praise without having to point out what I have done or without having to say what I have done isn’t very good, in other words without having to fish for compliments.

Ok back to bed now.

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